Sweetheart, it stopped raining like three hours ago, alright? Everything's gonna be fine - hey, dickhead, flow of traffic mean anything to you?
[What if you hydroplane?]
I'm not gonna hydroplane. It is my job to assess risk, so please trust me when I tell you that statistically speaking I am much more likely to get into an accident because I am talking to you on the phone, alright? I have to go, I will talk to you soon. Goodbye.
Edward Kaspbrak speaking.
[You didn't say "Goodbye, I love you," like you usually do.]
Listen to me, I can't - I'm gonna be late to this... meeting.
[Say "I love you," Eddie]
Okay. I love you, mommy.
[What?]
Myra. Goodbye.
Hello? Who's this?
[Mike.]
Mike who?
[Eddie? Are you okay?]
Yeah, I'm pretty good!
---
... and I'm allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, ah, gluten, and if I eat a cashew I could realistically die - holy shit.
---
[So this meeting of the Loser's Club is officially begun.]
Heh, look at these guys.
---
[So wait, Eddie, you got married?]
Yeah, why's that so fucking funny, dickwad?
[What, to, like, a woman?]
Fuck you, bro.
[(Laughs) Fuck you!]
...
[Yeah, no I got married]
When?
[Did you not hear this?]
No.
[You didn't know I got married?]
No?
[Yeah, no, me and your mom are very happy. ... He totally fell for it.]
Fuck you.
[Yeah, sometimes she'll put her arm around me and whisper, Bisa kupatha, bisa wookie]
We all get it, my mom was a great big fat person! Hilarious, histerical!
---
Yeah, dude, no shit you lost a few pounds.
[You're hot.]
It's true.
---
Stan.
What - why would Stanley save you, anyway? Was I not the one who basically performed surgery on you? After Bowers cut you up - holy shit, that's right!
[Please tell me you ended up becoming a dcotor, Eds.]
No, ah, I ended up becoming a risk analyst.
[Oh, that sounds really interesting. What does that entail?]
Yeah, so, I work for, like a big insurance firm and, ah...
[Richie snoring]
Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
[Was this job invented before fun?]
Oh, that's so not funny.
[It is funny!]
No, it's n-- What the fuck are you laughing at?
---
How about proposing a toast?
[I propose a toast, to the Losers.]
All right.
---
Let's take our shirts off and kiss!
---
Thank you.
---
I don't want one.
[Wait, you're not... You don't wanna eat it for health reasons?]
Those are fucking bad for you! No, I don't wanna get type two diab - type two diabetes, I don't.
[It's in your head.]
It's not in my head.
[It's in your head.]
'Cause I don't wanna ... needles.
[I think you read shit on the internet and it makes you nervous.]
... in my head ... If I have one of those, because I'm middle-aged, I will shit my pants immediately.
---
When Mike called me I crashed my car.
[Seriously?]
Yeah.
---
[Pennywise.]
Oh, the fuckin' clown. (asthmatic wheeze, patting his chest pockets for inhaler)
...
[There's an echo here in Derry that bounces back every twenty-seven years--]
What are you talking about?
[Hold on, listen, listen--]
No, I don't --
...
[Mike.]
Holy shit. Dude--
...
I don't wanna hear about this, man. I don't wanna--
...
[Well, that shit got dark fast. Thanks, Mike.]
My fortune cookie just says could.
...
Why would it guess it could not cut?
[Guess it could not cut.]
When it says "it"--
It - it could -- it could not guess.
Yes.
When it says "it", is it talking about It? Is that what it means? Is it It?
Yeah, this is fucking weird (weak?), dude. This is weird.
It - it could --
[Did you fuck with the fortune cookies, Mike?]
[Why are you doing this, man?]
I need my fucking inhaler!
...
He cut up the fucking things and put 'em in the cookies. This is so not funny! So not funny!
...
Fuck - why does it say Stanley? Will someone else fucking answer me? Holy shit. Shit.
...
I don't wanna be here. I can't fucking do this. I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here.
Holy shit.
I can't --
Fuck!
---
That - that's what Pennywise does, right? He fucks with us. So Stanley's probably fine.
Wait, is that - is that --
Rich, be careful, dude.
[I don't write my own material.]
I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it!
---
You lied to us. That's not okay.
[Yeah, the first words out of your mouth should've been ... 'cause I would've said no. This is fucking entrapment.]
--
Stanley. Pennywise knew. He knew before we did.
...
Sorry, man, I - ah, I'm - I'm with Richie.
What? We stay, we die, that's it? I'm gonna go back to the Inn, I'm gonna pack up my shit, and I'm gonna drive to my home. I'm sorry, man. Good luck.
---
[Let's get our shit and get the fuck outta here.]
[To Ben:] Did you leave your stuff here?
...
Okay, I've just gotta grab my toiletry bag and then we can go. ... What'd I miss?
---
Okay, so, what d'you mean you've seen us all die?
Okay, so you have nightmares. I have nightmares. People have - they have nightmares. That doesn't mean that your visions are true.
...
I mean, Rich, come on...
How the hell are we supposed to do that?
Wait, we'll be seventy years old, asshole?
[We die.]
Horribly.
I didn't say it. She said it, not me.
...
And once it does, we're fucked.
---
Yeah, you did. I - I do remember that.
---
DUDE.
Are you gonna be like this the entire time we're home?
[Whispered:] That was so fucking terrible.
Bill.
---
Yeah. I wonder what he was like all grown up.
...
[A sacrifice? I nominate Eddie.]
Wait, what?
[You're little, you'll fit on a barbeque.]
I'm five nine. It's like average height for most of the world.
...
I think Bill just did that.
Okay, Mike, so where do we find our tokens?
...
Yeah, I gotta - I gotta say, statistically speaking, you look at survival scenarios, we're gonna do much better as a group.
---
Ah! Asshole!
Hello--
Yeah, I called in a - I had a prescription called in for Kaspbrak.
It's an inhaler.
Mmhmm, that's me.
Yeah.
Oh, ah, she died a few years ago, it's very sad, it was from liver cancer.
What's what?
Alright.
Alright, okay. No, it's not gonna pop, it's a mole.
Cancer?
Okay.
---
What's all this shit doing here? Why is that curtain still here? Okay, alright. You can do this, Eds. It's just a memory. It's just a memory, you're fine. Deep breath. Deep breath. Okay. Gotta do it.
Shit, shit, oh fuck, shit, no, ah, no, ah, ah, ah, stop--
Ah, ugh, ugh, ah, fuck, die, fuck you, fuck you--
Ah. Oh, ugh, oh, ah. What the fuck?
Aha, I gotta go (inaudible) -- what?
[Push, not pull, you moron.]
Oh, aha, thanks.
---
Nothing, I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
---
Oh, and then the leper? He threw up all over me. "Hey, it's Mike Hanlon. Why don't you come back to Maine?"
Ah! What? What are you - why did you do that?
Who says it's my time?
Ah, ah - ahaha, hee hee hee.
You should cut that fucking mullet, it's been like thirty years, man.
Guys!
Bowers is in my room.
Is it bad? Oh--
---
Oh, we're not gonna like this, are we?
---
So does somebody wanna say something?
---
No, Bill --
Ben!
---
Ah, god--
(Asthmatic wheezing)
--
Eddie! Are you okay?
I'm--
Oh, there he is.
I wanna go home.
...
I don't want Richie too. I don't, I don't.
Please don't be mad, Bill. I was just scared.
---
Oh, man. Ugh.
Greywater.
---
No, no, no. No, no, ah.
---
Guys? Okay, guys, come on. Hey guys? Guys, come on. Come on, please, please, come on, I don't wanna walk out of here alone.
I don't - don't - I feel like crying.
---
Is he okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh--
You guys, I can't do it.
I can't. You saw what happened up there. I was - I was gonna let - I was gonna let you die. I just fucking froze up. You let me go down there with you, I'm gonna get us all killed. (Puff of inhaler)
[Hey, gimme that--]
Richie--
[Let go of it, you little turd]
I just - let me get--
Alright, I got it.
[Who killed a psychotic clown before he turned fourteen?]
Me.
[Who stabbed Bowers with a knife that he pulled out of his own face?]
Also me.
[Who married a woman ten times his own body mass?]
no subject
Sweetheart, it stopped raining like three hours ago, alright? Everything's gonna be fine - hey, dickhead, flow of traffic mean anything to you?
[What if you hydroplane?]
I'm not gonna hydroplane. It is my job to assess risk, so please trust me when I tell you that statistically speaking I am much more likely to get into an accident because I am talking to you on the phone, alright? I have to go, I will talk to you soon. Goodbye.
Edward Kaspbrak speaking.
[You didn't say "Goodbye, I love you," like you usually do.]
Listen to me, I can't - I'm gonna be late to this... meeting.
[Say "I love you," Eddie]
Okay. I love you, mommy.
[What?]
Myra. Goodbye.
Hello? Who's this?
[Mike.]
Mike who?
[Eddie? Are you okay?]
Yeah, I'm pretty good!
---
... and I'm allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, ah, gluten, and if I eat a cashew I could realistically die - holy shit.
---
[So this meeting of the Loser's Club is officially begun.]
Heh, look at these guys.
---
[So wait, Eddie, you got married?]
Yeah, why's that so fucking funny, dickwad?
[What, to, like, a woman?]
Fuck you, bro.
[(Laughs) Fuck you!]
...
[Yeah, no I got married]
When?
[Did you not hear this?]
No.
[You didn't know I got married?]
No?
[Yeah, no, me and your mom are very happy. ... He totally fell for it.]
Fuck you.
[Yeah, sometimes she'll put her arm around me and whisper, Bisa kupatha, bisa wookie]
We all get it, my mom was a great big fat person! Hilarious, histerical!
---
Yeah, dude, no shit you lost a few pounds.
[You're hot.]
It's true.
---
Stan.
What - why would Stanley save you, anyway? Was I not the one who basically performed surgery on you? After Bowers cut you up - holy shit, that's right!
[Please tell me you ended up becoming a dcotor, Eds.]
No, ah, I ended up becoming a risk analyst.
[Oh, that sounds really interesting. What does that entail?]
Yeah, so, I work for, like a big insurance firm and, ah...
[Richie snoring]
Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.
[Was this job invented before fun?]
Oh, that's so not funny.
[It is funny!]
No, it's n-- What the fuck are you laughing at?
---
How about proposing a toast?
[I propose a toast, to the Losers.]
All right.
---
Let's take our shirts off and kiss!
---
Thank you.
---
I don't want one.
[Wait, you're not... You don't wanna eat it for health reasons?]
Those are fucking bad for you! No, I don't wanna get type two diab - type two diabetes, I don't.
[It's in your head.]
It's not in my head.
[It's in your head.]
'Cause I don't wanna ... needles.
[I think you read shit on the internet and it makes you nervous.]
... in my head ... If I have one of those, because I'm middle-aged, I will shit my pants immediately.
---
When Mike called me I crashed my car.
[Seriously?]
Yeah.
---
[Pennywise.]
Oh, the fuckin' clown. (asthmatic wheeze, patting his chest pockets for inhaler)
...
[There's an echo here in Derry that bounces back every twenty-seven years--]
What are you talking about?
[Hold on, listen, listen--]
No, I don't --
...
[Mike.]
Holy shit. Dude--
...
I don't wanna hear about this, man. I don't wanna--
...
[Well, that shit got dark fast. Thanks, Mike.]
My fortune cookie just says could.
...
Why would it guess it could not cut?
[Guess it could not cut.]
When it says "it"--
It - it could -- it could not guess.
Yes.
When it says "it", is it talking about It? Is that what it means? Is it It?
Yeah, this is fucking weird (weak?), dude. This is weird.
It - it could --
[Did you fuck with the fortune cookies, Mike?]
[Why are you doing this, man?]
I need my fucking inhaler!
...
He cut up the fucking things and put 'em in the cookies. This is so not funny! So not funny!
...
Fuck - why does it say Stanley? Will someone else fucking answer me? Holy shit. Shit.
...
I don't wanna be here. I can't fucking do this. I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be here.
Holy shit.
I can't --
Fuck!
---
That - that's what Pennywise does, right? He fucks with us. So Stanley's probably fine.
Wait, is that - is that --
Rich, be careful, dude.
[I don't write my own material.]
I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it!
---
You lied to us. That's not okay.
[Yeah, the first words out of your mouth should've been ... 'cause I would've said no. This is fucking entrapment.]
--
Stanley. Pennywise knew. He knew before we did.
...
Sorry, man, I - ah, I'm - I'm with Richie.
What? We stay, we die, that's it? I'm gonna go back to the Inn, I'm gonna pack up my shit, and I'm gonna drive to my home. I'm sorry, man. Good luck.
---
[Let's get our shit and get the fuck outta here.]
[To Ben:] Did you leave your stuff here?
...
Okay, I've just gotta grab my toiletry bag and then we can go. ... What'd I miss?
---
Okay, so, what d'you mean you've seen us all die?
Okay, so you have nightmares. I have nightmares. People have - they have nightmares. That doesn't mean that your visions are true.
...
I mean, Rich, come on...
How the hell are we supposed to do that?
Wait, we'll be seventy years old, asshole?
[We die.]
Horribly.
I didn't say it. She said it, not me.
...
And once it does, we're fucked.
---
Yeah, you did. I - I do remember that.
---
DUDE.
Are you gonna be like this the entire time we're home?
[Whispered:] That was so fucking terrible.
Bill.
---
Yeah. I wonder what he was like all grown up.
...
[A sacrifice? I nominate Eddie.]
Wait, what?
[You're little, you'll fit on a barbeque.]
I'm five nine. It's like average height for most of the world.
...
I think Bill just did that.
Okay, Mike, so where do we find our tokens?
...
Yeah, I gotta - I gotta say, statistically speaking, you look at survival scenarios, we're gonna do much better as a group.
---
Ah! Asshole!
Hello--
Yeah, I called in a - I had a prescription called in for Kaspbrak.
It's an inhaler.
Mmhmm, that's me.
Yeah.
Oh, ah, she died a few years ago, it's very sad, it was from liver cancer.
What's what?
Alright.
Alright, okay. No, it's not gonna pop, it's a mole.
Cancer?
Okay.
---
What's all this shit doing here? Why is that curtain still here? Okay, alright. You can do this, Eds. It's just a memory. It's just a memory, you're fine. Deep breath. Deep breath. Okay. Gotta do it.
Shit, shit, oh fuck, shit, no, ah, no, ah, ah, ah, stop--
Ah, ugh, ugh, ah, fuck, die, fuck you, fuck you--
Ah. Oh, ugh, oh, ah. What the fuck?
Aha, I gotta go (inaudible) -- what?
[Push, not pull, you moron.]
Oh, aha, thanks.
---
Nothing, I'm fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
---
Oh, and then the leper? He threw up all over me. "Hey, it's Mike Hanlon. Why don't you come back to Maine?"
Ah! What? What are you - why did you do that?
Who says it's my time?
Ah, ah - ahaha, hee hee hee.
You should cut that fucking mullet, it's been like thirty years, man.
Guys!
Bowers is in my room.
Is it bad? Oh--
---
Oh, we're not gonna like this, are we?
---
So does somebody wanna say something?
---
No, Bill --
Ben!
---
Ah, god--
(Asthmatic wheezing)
--
Eddie! Are you okay?
I'm--
Oh, there he is.
I wanna go home.
...
I don't want Richie too. I don't, I don't.
Please don't be mad, Bill. I was just scared.
---
Oh, man. Ugh.
Greywater.
---
No, no, no. No, no, ah.
---
Guys? Okay, guys, come on. Hey guys? Guys, come on. Come on, please, please, come on, I don't wanna walk out of here alone.
I don't - don't - I feel like crying.
---
Is he okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh--
You guys, I can't do it.
I can't. You saw what happened up there. I was - I was gonna let - I was gonna let you die. I just fucking froze up. You let me go down there with you, I'm gonna get us all killed. (Puff of inhaler)
[Hey, gimme that--]
Richie--
[Let go of it, you little turd]
I just - let me get--
Alright, I got it.
[Who killed a psychotic clown before he turned fourteen?]
Me.
[Who stabbed Bowers with a knife that he pulled out of his own face?]
Also me.
[Who married a woman ten times his own body mass?]
Me.
[You're braver than you think.]
Alright, thanks Richie. Ow.
[Sorry.]
[Take it. It kills monsters.]
Does it?
[Yeah. If you believe it does.]
Thanks Bev.